Foster Children and Defiance--How do You Deal with it Without Going Crazy?

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by: SandraNardoni
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Adopted children are difficult to read sometimes. Making judgments about their behavior is easy to do, especially when we compare them to non-adopted siblings. An important lesson I have learned in parenting my children adopted from foster care is that what is on the surface often goes much deeper.

My own anger often gets in the way of getting to the heart of the matter and hard situations escalate unnecessarily, making my children more stressed out. When I don't allow my anger to get in the way, however, I have fewer discipline issues because I have approached my kids first with understanding instead of jumping to conclusions.

Experiences children have had prior to living with their foster and adoptive parents many times cause them to display behaviors that look like defiance but in actuality are not. We assume defiance when the real emotion may be embarrassment or fear. Keeping an open mind can help parents to identify the heart of the matter and preserve the often tenuous relationships we have with our hurt children.

Treating underlying emotions like fear as if they are defiance only serves to distance us from our kids. They are tender and need us to fight for our relationships with them.

A good thing to remember is that learning our children is our most important job. Use every resource you can to understand what makes them tick, what makes them afraid, and what brings them joy. This knowledge will take you leap years ahead in your journey for peace in your home. The best way to get to know them is to spend time with them.

Underlying emotions like depression or sadness can cause behaviors that look extreme. Relationships can slowly be destroyed when parents attempt to meet every outbreak of emotion with a consequence. Sometimes it is easier and feels better to ignore the heart of a matter and punish but in the long run it doesn't gain us anything. In the end, we are striving for strong relationships that produce healing.

About the Author

If you are looking to adopt you may soon be faced with difficult behaviors Sandra Nardoni, mother of three, two of whom are adopted from the foster care system helps parents who are looking for answers for their family. For more information, and to receive a free mini course about foster care and adoption, click on one of the links in this resource box.

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